Thursday, December 18, 2014

Guest List Week: Garrett's Top Ten

It's the triumphant return of Guest List Week!  Every day from now until I run out of lists, we'll take a look at 2014 through the eyes of people who are not me.  (My list, if you missed it, is here).  I'm lucky that my friends have such uniformly exquisite taste in music.

Today, it's the return of Garrett Tillman!  Check out his 2013 list here, or scroll down for a journey into the fitness heart of darkness.

{I created my 2014 top 10 list only to find that a spin instructor wanted to use it as the soundtrack for a spin class. I investigated, and what I found was astounding, inspirational, disgusting, and a testament to modern fitness. The following is a transcript from that spin class on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. 11 AM, Tuesday December 2nd, 2014}


WHATS UP FAT BITCHEZZZZZZZ WELCOME TO AURASPIN!!! We’re gonna blow you’re fuckin' minds today with this 45 minute spin class. 

Did anyone have trouble setting up your bike? It’s so easy a retard could do…Oh you need help? Jamal can you help her set up her bike? Well I don’t know what she needs help with JUST DO IT JAMAL WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.

[Starts playing "Pray to God" by Calvin Harris, Haim]

Ok guys deep breaths, let the stress of the day fall away as you put two turns on and get warmed up. That’s right feel that tappy beat. 123412341234rightleftrightleftrightleft WOO Feel it beitchez! Get that heart pumping.

Let’s GO LADIES AND THAT ONE GAY DUDE IN THE BACK! Oh and you, sir, you’re not wearing bike shorts, are you straight? WHAT?! Speak up I can’t hear you! Bi? Oh god, well maybe you can Bi some Bi-cycle shorts and come dressed for class next time. Just LOOK at Taniesha! She’s got her mesh body thong tucked into her muscle printed tights. If I was straight and into vaguely asian chicks i’d bend her over on the bike right now and fuck her! Kidding, Taniesha, you know I love you byotch! You okay? This is your third class today! Girl you are either a super trooper or an exercise bulemic. LOL!

[Song changes to "Open Season" by Josef Salvat]

Awww shit, y’all you ready for a climb?? That’s right, this fat beat can only mean one thing!  Turn that resistance to the right three turns and come out of the saddle for a big climb. Imagine you’re cycling up Everest! Kilaminjaro! That hill that killed Casper! ONE TWO ONE TWO RIGHT LEFT. GET UP! GET UP! PINK TOP IN THE BACK WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING SITTING DOWN oh you’re just super short nevermind. Jamal keep an eye on that midge and make sure her ass is off the seat. Jamal! Jamal!! Oh you’re not Jamal you’re just mexiblack too - where’s Jamal?!

Okay guys, keep those asses back and I MEAN BACK. I want the person behind you to be able to lean forward and rim you. Back back back. Feel it in those quads! Listen to the lyrics! Are they making sense to you? Can you FEEL IT?! Can someone explain the lyrics to me after class because I have no idea what they mean. I’m being serious I just like the beat. Whoo, okay, climb over - turn that resistance all the way down and pick up the pace.

[Song changes to "i" by Kendrick Lamar]

Yes! That’s right. This song is the shit. I love myself. I love myself. I love myself. I love myself. I love myself. I love myself. I love myself. I love myself. I love myself. I love myself. I love myself. I love myself. I love myself. I love myself. I love myself. I love myself. I love myself. Hold up! I love myself. I love myself. I love myself. I love myself. I love myself. 

Okay recovery is over let’s make it raw. Two turns to the right!

[Song changes to "Anaconda" by Nicki Minaj]

Here we go. Here we go. My anaconda don’t. want. nun. unless. you. look. like Taniesha. hun. Thtat’s right I want to fuck Taniesha y’alllllll. Just kidding. Two turns to the right and come up out of the saddle. Chyeah! Cumon!

Now, I want three taps back when she says “real real real”. That’s right here it comes! Tap tap tap. That a girls! Now three more! Tap tap tap that booty on the saddle! Okay last three TAP TAP TAP. Just kidding three more TAP TAP TAP. Yeah, okay three more TAP TAP TAP. Okay NOW it’s the last three TAP TAP TAP. Just kidding I lied here come three more TAP TAP TAP. Boom I blew your minds with that one. Just like life and most monkeys, I keep throwing shit at you. Yeah life in here is about lessons for out there. Just remember that IN HERE you’re on a stationery bike and OUT THERE you’re probably not. IN HERE…oh shit is this a new song?

[Song changes to "Les Soupirs et les refrains" by Yelle]

Oh fuck okay take the resistance down to 2 while I keep up my inspirational rant. This song is French or whatever anyways. 

IN HERE you’re the person you want to be, 
OUT THERE you’re just a person!

IN HERE you’re moving your legs fast, 
OUT THERE you’re going nowhere fast!

...uhhh let’s see what else...

IN HERE feeling hot because I won’t turn on the fan.
OUT THERE the HEAT of reality is what burns you! Shit that was good I gotta tweet that. JAMAL! Tweet that for me! From my handle @Spindick!

IN HERE we don’t give a fuck what people say about us!
OUT THERE people call you FAT, they say YOU’RE UGLY, they call you MEAN, a BITCH, a WHORE, a FAT WHORE, a FAT BITCH WHORE, a MEAN UGLY BITCH, and a MEAN FAT BITCH SLUT. 

Don’t listen to those people! Just keep spinning your legs. This $60 spin class is all that matters right now! You! Here! In this room! Spinning your legs! Going nowhere! Going Everywhere! In the dark! To loud music!

[Song changes to "Bang Bang" by Jessie J, Ariana Grande, and Nicki Minaj]

Okay slow your legs and grab those weights from behind your bike. Let’s get it pumping. 

Pump those biceps, now doubletime. Look at me, eyes up here! Look at my biceps! See how well defined they are? See how big and beautiful my arms are? Keep it up and you’ll get there! Well, this spin class and an hour and a half of heavy weight lifting after. Also I eat 3000 calories of pure protein per 50lbs of body weight every day! My kidneys have failed 3 times, but did I let that stop me? NO! And I don’t even do steroids anymore! That’s right these biceps are allllllll natural and you can get them too if you just keep wasting your money on these classes. These 5 minutes of extremely light and repetitive weightlifting are all you need to look super fucking hot!

[Song changes to "It Was Always You" by Maroon 5]

Okay weights down let’s kick it up. Put the resistance up to 5. That’s three turns to the right, a half turn to the left, a quarter turn to the right, and then just put your hand on the knob and imagine all your belly fat melting away. Do it. Keep it on the nob. Don’t let your legs lose the beat. That’s right. Okay up to position two for bicycle pushups. 

Keep doing pushups while I fix myself a mid-class pick-me-up. Shit, Jamal I lost my rolled up $20! Did you fucking take it? What do you mean "where was it"? It was right here on the mirror next to my cok-umm my energy powder. Well, turn on your fucking flashlight and find it. Careful of the mirror this shit is pure. What? Okay I guess I can use a five, but I’m not returning it afterwards because I know you stole my $20. You owe me $15 after class or I’m deducting it from your paycheck. That’s TWO HOURS of pay that you’re going to lose if you don’t return that $20 to me.

Okay guys stop doing pushups and let’s get a couple of deep inhales in before the next song starts SNNNNNNNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFFFFFFFFFFFF

[Song changes to "Do It Again" by Röyksopp & Robyn]

Great job guys great inhaling that was like so fucking perfect you’re all beautiful and amazing. God this shit is strong...I’re all so strong and beautiful. 

Okay last song and I mean it this time guys, try to actually break a sweat. Taniesha are you passed out on your bike? Jamal can you pour some cold water on Taniesha while I turn the fan on? That’s the trick! Don’t you dare fucking get off your bike Taniesha! That’s right pump your legs. I guess it’s just your muscle print leggings that made me think you were in shape, but now that I look at you, you’re kind of skinnyfat. I’m just being honest, guys. Honesty is what keeps us real. It is the best policy. It’s why I continually put Taniesha down - it MAKES HER STRONGER. Taniesha stay with us...

Okay we’ll do sprints, 30 seconds out of the saddle and then 30 seconds seated and spin your legs as fast as they can go. This song is 5 minutes long which means 5 more chances for you to not be a fat slob. That’s right, this is YOUR workout. YOUR chance to prove it to YOURSELF that you’re not fat and lazy and dumb. YOUR chance to prove you can accomplish something five times for half a minute each time. Just think, if you can do something for 30 seconds, you can do it for 30 years. Right? RIGHT? SCREAM FOR NO REASON! 

[Song changes to "Flawless (Remix)" by Beyoncè and Nicki Minaj]

Okay guys here’s your cool down. That’s right, Bey is gonna take it down for us nice and slow. keep your legs moving and drink water.

Do you guys ever dream as Beyoncè? I do, and it’s not only when I’m in the hospital for kidney failure and they give me all that valium and ketamine. Some times I just have lucid dreams where I can control her/my life. Like sometimes I’ll just dream for 10 hours about choosing which wig to wear to the VMAs, or I’m in my suite in Hong Kong trying to talk to Tina Knowles while Blue runs around playing crazy baby with her real mom….uh I mean “the nanny". Sometimes I’ll just come into my own bedroom as Beyonce and sit next to my sleeping body and sing myself lullabies, but, like, quietly, you know? Because I don’t want to wake myself up and stop being Beyoncè? What do you think that means?

[Song changes to "Light Will Keep Your Heart Beating In The Future" by Mike Doughty]

Okay guys, time to stretch. Jamal can you come help me carry Taniesha out? I think she’s passed out again. 

Listen you guys, great job today! The three of you are really amazing. I’ll tell Taniesha when she wakes up how fucking great she was. Ugh, gross, a clump of her hair just fell right there - can you pick that up with a paper towel Jamal? Carefully, please!

I’m going to go, but you should spend the last 5 minutes of class stretching and also cleaning up everything around you. The mop is in the closet - make sure you wipe up your sweat and disinfect the bikes. I’d ask Jamal to do it but I have to go fire him after the ambulance for Taniesha leaves. 

Great job again, you guys, give yourselves a round of applause just like you solved world hunger and gave AIDS to ISIS! Kidding! You guys rock my cock! See you soon!

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